#MeToo

I have been torn because I try to keep this blog fun. I did write about my miscarriage but I want this to be a fun place. Also this is public and I know some of you.

If you know me you know I am a worrier and I have depression and ocd. The anxiety comes from years of bad experiences.

I won't go into details or name names. I could but I won't. Years of therapy and the focus was who are the men and lets go bring pitchforks to their homes and seek justice have left me uneasy. For me I want to walk down the street without wanting to cry if a man looks at me. I want to have a conversation with a male coworker without having to avoid his eyes. I want to not project my fears onto my daughter.

I have reasons for not talking about my past. One attacker got caught but for attacking someone else. I did come forward in college and was told it was my fault. I was then told by the counselor that she heard I had pursued him a year prior (fabrication) so all of this was my doing and I had to live with it. Then there was a former coworker after an event where several work associates went to a bar. It turns out this coworker had done similar things to other female coworkers. And almost exclusively in group settings.

It is hard to tell people, often strangers, that you were harmed because you have to be specific. I learned the hard way there is backlash and my attackers were just ordinary men.  In college the fallout was worse than the event. Girls came up to me in awe that I was "with" the attacker. Boys were jealous because I turned them down prior to and post the incident and they were incessant in their frustration of my continued refusuals of their advances. No matter how often I said the truth was not what they thought I was never believed.

It is a problem how victims are treated. We are scared and ashamed. We don't want attention. We just want no one to go through what we endured. I personally don't want to have to triple check every outfit I put on wondering if I will get undue attention. I would like help healing. I have had night terrors for over twenty years and would like eight hours of peaceful rest.

So now we victims are coming out indroves. We are an army. Now what? Will anything change? Will our collective nightmares make an impact this week only to be swept back under the rug next week?

I do have to say I feel better. I have kept some of these thoughts inside way too long.  This was all very personal.  Thank you for reading.  I do hope more people can get punished for these crimes they are committing. I also do sincerely hope that as we stand up and share our stories that less women feel isolated. We can help people understand how wrong it is and hopefully one day soon this widespread abuse will stop.