Saturday, March 21, 2015

The First Review I Wrote on a Blog. J.J. Abrams' abysmal Star Trek.

(This is a really old post from my first blog on Myspace.

Please Renegades do not make me cry. I am hoping you will be everything you promise to be.

I had to edit this but I kept the tone. The idea is I am trying to improve my writing.........I hope it is getting slightly better as  I get older. I was incredibly upset when I wrote this. By the end of the movie I was literally in the fetal position and crying in my seat at the movie theater. By the time I got home I was livid. Nerd rage is a powerful thing friends.)

I'm not going to bother nit picking over the weak storyline or "red matter" or how a drop of "red matter" can implode a planet and create a black hole, but yet when a ship full of the "red matter" detonates it only explodes one ship. Or how a mining ship has a chain long enough to reach from their ship in space to a planet's  surface.  Or how you can base jump out of a starship to a planet through the atmosphere. Or why if you did and didn't explode in the atmosphere you would need a parachute that also doesn't explode due to well traveling at speed of light. Or how Earth is now four seconds away from Vulcan at warp two when it used to take months at the same speed  (Guess they stole the idea of increasing the speed of light from Futurama.)

The biggest problem is Uhura and Spock were not lovers.  Ever. There are too many reasons for this and I  will not go into them here

Next, in the Star Trek universe ships aren't built  in Iowa. Utopia Planitia on the moon, or Mars, yes, Iowa,  no.
Incidentally, they don't launch ships from Iowa either, they are launched from space docks.
Since I'm upset about the ships right now, lets talk about Enterprise. Kirk was not on NCC 1701's maiden voyage, since he was the third captain of the ship, but it was launched in 2245, or when Kirk was the ripe old age of 12.

Spock doesn't use phasers. There is this thing called the Vulcan nerve pinch. Spock is Vulcan or anti-violence. Oh, and Spock doesn't wear fur. Vulcans don't kill animals.
McCoy was not technologically minded. He was a Doctor dammit. He never ever ever worked at a console on the bridge. He would visit the bridge yes.Work on the bridge, no.
Chekhov was not a wunderkind. He was a bored teenage pilot. He never got excited and ran around the ship solving problems. Hell he never ran.
And   they did not all start on enterprise together. Huge inconsistencies here.

Now lets look at each individual character.

CHRIS PIKE---Took command of Enterprise in 2250 and lead two of the five year missions.He relinquished command to Kirk in 2263. Kirk did not serve under Pike.

SPOCK--Born 2230. As of 2267 he earned the Vulcanian Scientific  Legion of Honor,and had twice been decorated by Starfleet Command. Spock served under Pike for 11 years and 4 months, so roughly say in 2252 Spock went on the Enterprise. Did not create Kobayashi Maru. He was certainly not Kirk's teacher at Starfleet. He was never upset about his mother, Amanda, dying when Vulcan was blown up, because Vulcan was never blown up. That was Alderman from Star Wars and Princess Leia. Maybe J.J. Abrams was really trying to make a Star Wars movie?

JAMES KIRK--Born 2233 in Iowa, not space and by 13 was living on Tarsus IV where he was one of 9 surviving witnesses to the massacre of 4000 colonists by Kodos the Executioner. He served aboard Farragut  in 2254, so Enterprise was not his first ship. He had an older brother, who was born in Iowa, and his dad did not die in space before he was born.

DR. LEONARD MCCOY-- Born 2227, or in other words, he was older than Kirk.  As of 2267 he had earned the Legion of Honor, and had been decorated by Starfleet surgeons. He joined the Enterprise in 2266, three years after Kirk became captain.  He most definitely did not attend Star Fleet Academy with Kirk.

UHURA--Yes, she has a name. It is actually Nyota Uhura and her name is definitely not a mystery. She was born in 2239, or in other words, shes younger than Kirk. Her first appearance was in "The Corbomite Maneuver", or episode 3 which means she joined the Enterprise after Kirk, but before McCoy. She never met Kirk in a bar in Iowa prior to joining the crew.  Sorry to disappoint, but she wasn't Spock's lover.

PAVEL CHEKOV-- Born 2245. He came aboard  the Enterprise in 2267 or, after the rest of the established bridge crew and McCoy.

CHRISTINE CHAPEL--She was in love with Spock. If Spock never dated her, I doubt highly he went after Uhura who wasn't interested in him. She joined Enterprise in 2266 or after Kirk.

HIKARU SULU-- Born 2237.He  came aboard the  Enterprise in 2265, once again after Kirk, and by the way, he was initially a physicist.

MONTGOMERY SCOTT--Born 2222. His engineering career began in 2243 and  he served on 11 ships. Oddly enough he never served on Hoth, and he didn't ever have a weird mutated Greedo as a personal sidekick.

There is so much more wrong with this train wreck of a horrible movie,  but I am very tired now. Plus, my head hurts. Oh by the way, I have the STAR TREK encyclopedia, so I, Alana, wrote all of this. This is not some review or something. I'm just a huge Trekkie and the movie hurt my brain.
This was the worst movie I ever saw.  I saw X Men 3,  Mercury Rising, and all the Look Who's Talking Movies.